MILWAUKEE — Local sad sack and frequent concert attendee Jorges Henderson recently had his spirits lifted after hearing the singer of the band Stubbourne say the crowd he was in was amazing, uplifted sources reported.
“Look, I’ll be honest. Life’s been tough. I don’t have many friends and I’m stuck at this dead end corporate job where I fuck everything up but not in a cool, ‘Office Space’ way, more so in a sad, pathetic, and overly incompetent way,” said the dejected 32-year-old Henderson. “To help cope, I went to the Stubbourne show last night and they said something that really changed my outlook on life. The vocalist thanked the crowd for being amazing and this was just after I let out a little woo with a fist pump so I think they were talking directly to me. It’s like he was Tony Robbins or something.”
The lead vocalist of the band thinks Henderson might’ve taken the comment a little too personally.
“Oh, ok so this is kind of awkward. It’s cool that one guy is happier, but don’t get it twisted. We say that to every crowd and give them the compliment so they feel incentivized to cheer louder after we play one of our less popular or brand new songs,” said frontwoman Lydia Spears. “Look, they can’t all be amazing. Especially if it’s Milwaukee, there’s no way in hell Wisconsin would be the best show we’d ever play. Those assholes only bought two shirts and one LP but they had no problem snatching up all of our free stickers from the merch table. Honestly, worst crowd we’ve ever had.”
Researchers at Marquette University have studied this phenomenon extensively and found it similar to the placebo effect.
“It’s very interesting indeed. We noticed a majority of depressed concertgoers rebounded tremendously after hearing praise from a drunk singer in a dingy, odorous venue, even after controlling for external variables like expensive ticket prices, physical injury in the pit, and annoying people who won’t shut up during the entire show,” said a puzzled Dr. Brittany Forester. “But, on the other hand, it makes complete sense. Of course, people with low self-esteem would slurp up any positive feedback, even if it’s an empty gesture meant to fill space while guitarists tune their instruments. That being said, these singers are motivating and inspiring the masses. In that sense, they’re shaping up to be the true backbone of American society, much more than cops or politicians at the very least.”
At press time, therapists across the world are demanding bands to stop spreading positive affirmations, as their clientele has dropped by 90%.