SAN FERNANDO, Calif. — A new report from the Federal Reserve Bank of Los Angeles showed that unprecedented inflation is forcing adult entertainers to have quadruple the amount of sex to pay for one “special pizza with extra sausage.”
“This is becoming untenable. I’m exhausted from trying to put food on the table,” said adult film star Angela Flowers. “I always try to bring realism to my characters, but now I find myself having to have intercourse upwards of six times to cover the cost of a measly extra-large meat lover’s pizza. I remember when I was a child, my grandfather telling stories about how in the ‘70s inflation was so bad that you needed to throw in a hand job to afford an medium pie and I never believed him. Now I know where he was coming from, and I wish things were that easy. I don’t know what will happen if the price of lube goes up.”
Porn producers have also felt the damage inflation has caused to their industry.
“It’s not just pizza men who are suffering from this,” said XXXFlix owner Michael Brankowitz. “One round of intercourse won’t even cover one trip for a milkman now, let alone something high price like a plumber. It’s really changed the characterization of today’s horny MILFs forever. The rising price of oil has made Taxi drivers go at it for hours before paying off their toll, and don’t even get me started on naughty therapists after how poorly insured the average American is these days.”
Economist David Edyth weighed in on the global ramifications of the price hikes.
“Our country’s porn stars are experiencing an economic downturn since The Great Depression when porn actors would have sex all day to pay for a shoeshine,” said Edyth. “It’s possible if these trends continue our nation could experience a drought in porno production and the results of that could be disastrous. Most adult men are barely-functioning meat sacks of pure rage and pornography is often their only outlet. If that is taken away then we will see much more aggression and it could accelerate tensions in Eastern Europe.”
At press time, industry experts warned that this growing inflation bubble was in danger of busting all over the face of Americans at any time.