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Uncle Tapes Setlist of Offensive Opinions to Floor Next to Dining Room Table

ATHENS, Ga. — Local uncle and self-described “Make America Great Again Patriot” Jerry Siedow taped a handwritten setlist of prepared, unpopular opinions and comments next to his seat this morning in preparation for his upcoming Thanksgiving dinner, according to family members.

“My diatribes have basically become a Thanksgiving tradition,” said Siedow after clearing 12 hours of “Fox and Friends” from his DVR. “But they’re usually random, drunken rants that make no sense. This year, I have a lot to get through, and I want to be organized — I think it flows really well. Like, I go from illegal immigrants, to drug dealers, to the opioid crisis being a FEMA plot to seize control of the government. This might be my best set of rants yet.”

Those who caught a glimpse of the setlist — which Siedow was reportedly fine-tuning into the early hours of the morning — said it seemed like the divorced, unemployed “black sheep” had some of his greatest hits planned for the family.

“I don’t want to spoil anything for everyone else… but I did see the word ‘Whitewater’ scribbled in just after, ‘Why are black people allowed to say the n-word?’” Siedow’s sister, Marilyn Green, said. “I might have even spotted a cover of a Glenn Beck speech: he hasn’t pulled that one out in years.”

While most of the family merely tolerates Siedow’s hate speech until he passes out in the bathroom, Siedow’s teenage nephew, Gunnar Hogan, is eagerly anticipating what his uncle has to offer.

“My ignorant sisters call his talks ‘awful, offensive rambling.’ But you have to listen to the social groups he isn’t offending. It’s experimental — the man is an artist,” Hogan said excitedly over appetizers. “I wonder if he’ll sign the setlist for me when he’s done. Last year, I caught his toothpick after dessert… and I still have it.”

In preparation for his big day, Siedow was last seen practicing vocal warm-up techniques with tutorials from YouTube to master inhaling while talking and eating pie at the same time.

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