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Rescue Helicopter Called in to Save Man With Untied Shoe in Pit

HARTFORD, Conn. — An elite extraction unit was called in last night to save local hardcore kid Tom Rodrigues from a swirling mosh pit after he was compromised by an untied shoe at the Blood Everywhere Festival, local officials confirmed.

“We were about 70 clicks out and heading back to base when we got the call about a man stranded in the eye of a mosh pit, desperately trying to bend down to tie his shoe,” said mission leader First Lieutenant Amanda Delsario. “We did a few initial flyovers, and when we saw the pit about to engulf the target, we immediately jumped into action. Corporal McGee threw down a ladder and we coordinated to remove the young man from danger.”

Witnesses reported the mission was so quick, most people in the pit never even noticed the helicopter.

“I saw the helicopter approaching right around the same time Blood Diffusion was going into the pre-breakdown on their song ‘Brothers Fight Back’ — which has a really cool, repetitive drum beat that, now that I think about it, sounds pretty similar to a chopper,” said festival attendee Jared Alexander. “They got there just in time. The very moment they flew off, the circle pit just exploded and people were windmilling and spin-kicking like crazy. Who knows what would’ve happened if they were even five seconds later?”

Rodrigues was extremely thankful for the heroic work of the team, admitting they probably saved his life.

“I never thought something like this could happen to me — usually, I can hold my own in a pit. But when my shoe came untied and I realized I was surrounded by hostiles, I almost gave up hope,” said Rodrigues, now resting comfortably in a cool-down tent. “Sometimes, you begin to believe you’re invincible. If it wasn’t for the quick thinking and elite training of that unit, I may have been trampled to death — or at the very least, someone would’ve ran into me.”

At press time, Delsario and her unit were infiltrating a nearby middle school to rescue a student who accidentally became aroused during a slow dance and was hiding in a corner, hoping nobody notices.