PALO ALTO, Calif. — A new report out of Stanford University reported that 70% of the average punk’s hydration is sourced from the melted ice in their vodka sodas.
“Most of the individuals we studied were receiving daily hydration mainly from drinks that were abandoned for 15 to 30 minutes while they smoked a cigarette and gravely reminisced on a better time before they blacked out, or someone who offered them a cup of water instead of kicking them out of the bar,” said Hugh Dwebe, a researcher from Stanford Medical School, who completed a survey amongst the only 13 punks who would “get that close to an institution.” “Demographics with similar findings included 70 year old male retirees and 19 year old sorority girls. Several of the test subjects reported dizziness and nausea, but we couldn’t determine whether that was from the lack of hydration or the effects of alcohol overconsumption. That’s a study for another time.”
Local punk Jeremy Scotts confirmed the report firsthand.
“It’s like a nice reward at the end of my drink. I chug the double shot vodka soda and then I drink water at the end of it. It cancels out. Like PEMDAS,” said Scotts before he paused to snort a mix of what appeared to be wheatgrass and ketamine. “I’ve actually become really healthy this year. My diet is mostly plant based where I mainly consume edibles and Marlboro Golds. Also, I’ve been on a raw diet, you know, where you don’t use condoms. I didn’t even know I was on it to be honest.”
Scotts’ doctor seemed less than concerned about his habits.
“Hey man, his tests are looking positively fine! I mean, positive. For eye syphilis. And chlamydia. And strep. Dehydration is actually the least of his concerns,” said Dr. Gregory Pembrooke while pointing directly at his medical degree from The University of Phoenix with coffee stains on it. “Sure, he often coughs for two straight minutes, but listen to those lungs! They’re working! We need to be more grateful that we’re alive, and that we’re up and moving. Sure, technically we need water to live, but we also need booze to work in tandem with the H2O. They keep each other in check.”
At press time, Stanford University released a new study revealing that another 20% of all punks get all of their hydration needs met by drinking PBR exclusively.