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Recovering Heroin Addict Clings to Idiotic, Life-Saving Belief in Higher Power

BOSTON — Tufts University philosophy student Colin Hendricks was amused to learn yesterday that recovering addict and “fucking brainless sheep” Gretchen Matherson celebrated six months of clean, sober living last week thanks in part to the life-saving, “idiotic belief in a power greater than herself,” sources close to Hendricks confirmed.

“What a dumbass,” the 19-year-old Hendricks said of Matherson’s regular church attendance. “She should read some Nietzsche if it’s just a little dose of perspective she’s looking for. I know it’s pretty dense for some people, but it just, like, clicked with me right away.”

Matherson, who spent most of her 20s living on the streets and in and out of various institutions, found her “Higher Power,” who she “stupidly chooses to call ‘God,’” after witnessing how much it helped change the lives of her peers in recovery.

“I don’t know… going to church every morning gives my life some structure, and the people there have been really welcoming,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “It’s just nice to be part of a supportive community, for the first time in my life.”

Since getting clean, Matherson has worked as a gas station cashier, covering her rent at a local sober-living community. When not working, she spends much of her time in either anonymous 12-step meetings or at the church, where she practices being of service to others, taking responsibility for her actions, and “all sorts of brainless shit that must be easy to swallow for anyone not looking to think for themselves.”

“If she had even a lick of critical thinking skills, she’d understand how stupid religion is,” Hendricks said. “I mean, science… ever heard of it?”

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When asked if he had any empathy for Matherson’s experiences, Hendricks shrugged.

“It’s no excuse for being stupid. We’ve all seen dark days. Like, in high school, I asked this girl to homecoming, but she ended up going with my best friend — how fucked up is that?” he said. “But then I read ‘Crime and Punishment,’ and I realized that life is suffering. I know, who reads Dostoevsky in high school? What can I say.”

Meanwhile, Matherson plans to continue along her journey one day at a time, focusing on recovery and never forgetting where she came from.

“I don’t think life is suffering,” said Matherson, closing down the gas station after a 12-hour shift. “That kid must have a tough life. I feel kind of sorry for him.”

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