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Local Record Shop’s Going Out of Business Sale Precedes Grand Opening

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Independent record shop Columbia Flophouse somberly announced the business’s going-out-of-business sale nearly two full weeks before the store was scheduled to open, sources who should have seen this coming confirmed.

“Well, you know what they say—all beginnings must come to an end. Except in this case I guess, where we didn’t actually begin shit,” pondered shop owner Amy Keyes as she once again reduced the price on a bin used Styx records. “But at least it wasn’t a total loss. We were still able to use the ‘Grand Opening’ banner we preordered by just turning it around and spray painting ‘Everything must go’ on the other side. It’s times like these we need to be thrifty.”

Would-be customer Jason Plimpton lamented the loss of the store, despite never setting foot inside of it.

“Columbia Flophouse could have been a huge cultural hub for this scene. Instead it’s just more fodder for the local repo industry. I mean, their fucking vans are parked across the street right now!” exclaimed Plimpton, gesturing to a fleet parked nearby. “It’s a hard thing to admit, but while I’m sad we’re losing the store, the going-out-of-business deals really are tremendous. No way was I paying full price for a warped Damned live album.”

Building owner Marcus Drint detailed the history of businesses pre-failing in this location.

“This is like the fourth record shop we’ve had try to move in here in the past year. When are these hippies gonna learn that brick and mortar music shops have the shelf life of an amusement park hermit crab?” said Drint. “I have to give these latest guys credit though, they did last longer than any of the other ones. The second record store didn’t even bother to stock any inventory or negotiate out of their lease. They just left a note on the counter that read ‘Sorry. Can’t.’ and then ripped out some of the copper pipes before they left.”

At press time, Columbia Flophouse management had put out an ad on Craigslist asking “$15 or best offer” for one hundred and fifty badly damaged Billy Joel albums under the link “FIREWOOD FOR SALE.”