EDMONDS, Wash. — Local punk Joe Solomon suggested his friend Donald Dell ditch his crippling Zyn addiction by switching to cigarettes, confirmed sources who were still entertaining the idea.
“Donald needs to face his nicotine addiction head-on and what better way to do that by swapping out the Zyns with Marlboros,” Solomon said while lighting a new cigarette. “There are just so many benefits to smoking. For one, everyone is disgusted by you. You smell terrible, have to go outside, and get dirty looks from strangers. It’s way more punk than hiding a Zyn under your lip like some corporate stooge. Plus, we don’t even know the long-term effects of Zyn. For all we know you could die of cancer after a lifetime of abusing it. I don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest Parliament Lights are harmful. Not to mention, just think of all the smoke breaks you are missing out on!”
Dell was skeptical of Solomon’s advice, albeit hopeful.
“I never even smoked before, but now I’ve got a Zyn lodged in my gums all the time,” said Dell, a sales associate who spiraled into nicotine pouch dependency after hearing a sponsored segment about them on a podcast. “I can’t even sit through a meeting without one. My stomach’s all messed up, my gums are wrecked, and I’ve started ordering stronger ones from Sweden off the internet. However, I recently bought a pack of American Spirits and can’t wait to use them to finally kick the nicotine habit.”
Experts, however, aren’t sold on the punk-approved detox plan.
“I’ll admit, there is a strange logic here,” said Dr. Angela Lu, an addiction expert carefully choosing her words. “In theory, switching to cigarettes could help someone wean off Zyn. But you’re essentially trading one bad habit for another. Still, it might be easier to control your nicotine consumption due to the social stigma surrounding smoking. Regardless, quitting nicotine is going to cause some uncomfortable withdrawals, so I would suggest it is better to go cold turkey. Whatever you do, just do not start using a vape. If you’re going to have an addiction to nicotine, at least look cool while you’re doing it.”
At press time, Dell was seen outside a bar smoking a cigarette while slipping a nicotine pouch under his lip.