Press "Enter" to skip to content

Punk Cousin Unaware He’s Family’s Cautionary Tale

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local punk and 31-year-old adult man Kenny Whalen remains blissfully unaware that he is the Whalen family’s cautionary tale, concerned sources confirmed.

“We had high hopes for our little Kenny. We gave him every advantage — a good school, a stable, upper-middle class upbringing, and a supportive family, but according to him, that’s all ‘conformist bullshit,’” said Whalen’s mother, Marie. “I prayed he would end up being a doctor like his father or a lawyer like his uncle, but to be honest, he’s been downhill ever since he shoplifted that Green Day CD from the mall back in 2004. Hopefully he’ll eventually marry someone 15 years younger than him who can straighten him out.”

Whalen continues to be totally ignorant of his status as the family’s warning story by committing to a “rad as fuck” daily routine, which takes up much of his time.

“Most days I wake up around noon thirty, either on the floor or couch. Then I’ll go see my buddies Bonesaw and Chump. We’ll hang out and write songs for our anarcho-crust noisecore project Wasted Anus,” Whalen explained. “I’m just killing time here till that project really takes off. I’m in the prime of my life and fucking loving it, and it’s only gonna get better from here, which I’m sure will start happening soon. Sure, it may be a bit of a janky beginning, but that’s how all the greats started!”

Despite frequent criticism from his family, Whalen’s presence has left a positive impact on impressionable youngsters, like Whalen’s eight-year-old cousin, Brandon Dobbs.

“Cousin Kenny is so cool! I wanna be just like him when I grow up, even though he said growing up is for suckers and posers,” Dobbs stated. “It’s so much fun when we throw moldy old vegetables at cop cars. They get real mad, and they chase us, but they never catch us! Teacher says Kenny is a ‘bad influence’ but I think he’s a rad influence! He taught me that. Next weekend we’re gonna pour sugar in Principal Monroe’s gas tank! I can’t wait!”

At press time Whalen and his young cousin were spotted throwing lit bottle rockets at each other in a school parking lot.