CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends reported.
“I was two-stepping during a breakdown when a rogue foot smashed into my face. Time stopped, and for the first time I could see exactly how fucking stupid I looked,” recounted a bruised Burchuk, who has since enrolled in philosophy courses at Westmoreland County Community College. “Moshing is completely unrelated to the enjoyment of a musical performance. It’s like ‘Fight Club’ without the anti-capitalist messaging. In fact, it’s pretty pro-capitalist once you factor in merch prices these days. Moshing is exclusionary to many sects of people, most of all those intelligent enough to not want a fist to the face.”
Burchuk’s peers in the Southwestern PA scene are experiencing difficulty in relating to his newfound sense of enlightenment.
“I am going to kick Hunter’s ass for talking like such a dweeb as of late,” expressed Scott “Scotch” Donarelli, who is entering his 19th consecutive year of claiming to be starting a new band. “Moshing is essential to punk because, like… I don’t know, it just is. It’s like fighting in hockey. No one can explain why it happens, but we all just like it. It means you’re not a wimp. And it’s important to prove your lack of wimp-ness to strangers you’ll never exchange names with or ever see again.”
Anthropologists struggle to find evolutionary meaning in the punk subculture’s violent tradition of slam dancing.
“I have embedded myself in the greater Pittsburgh punk scene for 6 years now to better understand these customs and traditions, but all I have gained is a worsening case of CTE,” stated Dr. Leslie Tucker, dean of anthropology at Duquesne University. “Although punks are ostensibly homo sapiens, their customs more closely resemble the primitiveness of homo heidelbergensis. These violent dances often stand in opposition to their stated values. So far the only consistent principle I’ve observed is that it’s unanimously agreed upon that farting in the pit is a ‘dick move.’”
Burchuk is reportedly considering quitting skateboarding, as he recently realized that falling on concrete and metal hurts a lot and that skateboarding is a far less efficient mode of transportation than walking.