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Punk Adds “Selling Plasma” to Resume

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local punk Wynn Hall updated their resume yesterday evening to include “selling plasma” following a long history of selling their own bodily fluids for cash.

“I’d say this is the most consistent work I’ve been getting for the last 10 years or so, aside from adopting a new dog and busking around Bourbon street in New Orleans each year during Mardi Gras,” a faint Hall stated while massaging a blood clot in their arm. “It works well for me since there always seems to be a plasma donation center near most trainyards. Between this and selling my hair for cancer people, these white coats can’t seem to get enough of me.”

The Jacksonville Plasma Center confirmed Hall as one of their most loyal patrons, donating up to four times per week, often taking advantage of the friend referral program for a bonus of $200 per head.

“Wynn is certainly a regular donor at our location and their referral service has made our center one of the most successful in Florida. I’m not entirely sure they understand what employment means, but they claim each referral is a ‘new hire’ and I let them call me boss anyways,” CSL plasma phlebotomist Andie Cruz stated. “I wasn’t lying when a potential employer called and asked for a referral regarding their medical knowledge. They’ve memorized every pamphlet we’ve given them and can pinpoint even the most dated diseases with frightening accuracy.”

After changing a blood-soaked bandage on their pulverized left arm, Hall reiterated the significance of their work selling plasma.

“Well, I don’t know what they’re doing with it and I don’t care, but I want to make sure future employers know I put my own partial blood and sweat into my work,” Hall explained. “Not to mention I need them to know I get woozy standing up for long periods of time and might be covered in bruises, so front-of-house work on my feet for longer than 20 minutes is probably not in the cards for me.”

At press time, Hall was seen planning a South American tour of trainyards and plasma centers with money they received from participating in an experimental drug trial.