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Previously Uncontacted Tribe of Real Friends Beheads and Cannibalizes Work Friend

CHERRY HILL, N.J. — Graphic designer Mike Mingus is facing a crisis of conscience today, after a chance encounter between his previously uncontacted tribe of “real” friends and his new work friend resulted in the latter being beheaded and cannibalized.

“I’m the first of my friends to get a proper 9-5 job, so I had to stop getting drunk and rowdy with them every night like I used to,” said Mingus. “I started hanging out with a work friend since we’re on the same schedule… and I guess I just assumed we’d never have a run-in with my real friends. I can’t believe how wrong I was.”

Mingus was at happy hour with co-worker and new friend Donald DeNuzzio when his real friends stormed into the bar and approached their table.

“My buddies have a very unique, very sick sense of humor, and if an outsider can’t keep up, they will literally eat them alive,” said Mingus. “As they approached, I desperately tried to tell Donnie all of our inside jokes, favorite obscure TV quotes, and the details of how each of my friends lost their virginities… but deep down, I knew he never stood a chance.”

The evening culminated with Mingus’ real friends pranking DeNuzzio by decapitating him and consuming his flesh, just after 10:30 p.m. Although shocking, Princeton anthropologist Dr. Daniel Fitzgerald noted this behavior is quite common for isolated tribes of antisocial, real friends.

“Every friend group has their own set of customs and rules to which members and outsiders must adhere,” said Dr. Fitzgerald. “For instance, when Mingus’ compatriot, Jeff Blaney, screamed, ‘Six, sapphire blue, Japanese pufferfish!’ Donald should have said, ‘They’re poisonous!’ When he didn’t, Blaney had little choice but to extinguish a cigarette on DeNuzzio’s forehead.”

Despite the cannibalism, Mingus’ real friends agreed they had fun meeting DeNuzzio.

“That Donald dude was alright. Shame we had to eat him… but, you know, you can’t let the joke die,” said Mingus’ friend known simply as “The Wedge.”

At press time, Mingus’ real friends had no intention of halting the long-running murder/cannibalism gag, despite no longer remembering how it originated. “We’ve done it for so many years, it’d be silly to stop beheading and eating strangers now,” confirmed The Wedge.

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