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Practice Space Doubles As Sexless Dungeon

LONG BEACH, Calif.—Aspiring musician Keith Brown’s practice space was transformed from a once-fun jam area to an utterly sexless dungeon, sources sadly confirmed.

“Welcome to mi casa!” Brown declared while gesturing to the barren room. “This is where the magic happens. Been living in my practice space for six months now and I love it. Gets me closer to the music. I’ve got my dream catcher over here, my mini-fridge there, and I keep a Gatorade bottle in the corner for when I have to pee. You know, I’m working on my album right now. I’m always writing—some days I don’t even shower because the songs are just flowing out of me so fast. Do you guys want a CD? I’m selling them for $12 a pop.”

Brown’s acquaintance Ava Tyler expressed visible discomfort when asked to describe the state of the practice space.

“I only went to the practice space because Keith played guitar and I’m a sucker for musicians,” she explained. “I was like, ‘Sure, this could be fun and sexy.’ If only I knew how depressing it was going to be. The smell alone haunts me. It was the size of a closet with no windows. There were empty pizza boxes and Monster energy drinks strewn across the matted burgundy carpet that always felt wet. The futon had a suspicious stain and the only other place to sit was an office chair with skid marks. Then he asked if he could play ‘Wonderwall’ for me. It was like God was punishing me for being horny.”

Brown’s landlord Arthur Contreras was visibly pissed off when he found out someone had been living in the practice space.

“I knew that little shit was two-timing me,” Contreras said while shaking his fists like a cartoon villain. “This kid is something else. I felt bad for the guy because he’s barely making ends meet with his little coffee shop gigs. He said he would spend a lot of time here, but I didn’t know he’d treat it like a Motel 6. You know, I’ve heard moaning coming from his practice space a lot. At first, I thought he was bringing girls back here, so I went to check it out. Turns out Keith was just loudly weeping. He tried to play it off like it was someone else, but his guyliner was smeared in black streaks down his face.”

Brown insists that he’s going to write a hit very soon, and is just waiting on some LED strip lights to arrive at the practice space, which he says will usher in “good vibes” and “help get his creative juices flowing.”