DENVER — Local pornography enthusiast Brett Wallace was caught off guard moments ago by an advertisement for Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg while watching a video on Pornhub.com, completely neutralizing Wallace’s boner at the moment.
“I had my whole setup in place — tissues, headphones, the works,” said Wallace from his darkened bedroom. “I spent 30 minutes finding the right video, and then right as it was getting good, some wrinkly old billionaire pops up on the screen talking about how he was friends with Obama once. I’ve watched some weird shit before, but this was not what I had in mind when I searched ‘Interracial.’”
Pornhub officials report a sharp increase in Bloomberg ad content in the last few weeks, as the Bloomberg campaign is making a big push for the Democratic presidential nomination.
“We’ve tried to shut down as many ads as possible, but that guy just keeps buying more under different accounts,” said Pornhub community manager Alyssa Bergman. “The dude won’t even pay for a Pornhub Premium account, but he’s literally bought ads that just say, ‘I’m a billionaire, try and stop me.’ We’re really worried that he’s gonna start doing live cam shows for votes, and we’ll be powerless to stop him.”
When reached for comment, the Bloomberg campaign sent a press release detailing their aggressive approach to viral digital marketing.
“Mike Bloomberg has built his entire career by taking risks and thinking outside the box. That same attitude has fueled his campaign to purchase advertising literally everywhere it’s available,” the statement read. “We hope this new ad strategy will make viewers ‘Stop’ before they get ‘Frisk’-y and consider voting for Bloomberg this November, or at least write a few think-pieces that give us some free coverage. #Bloomberg2020;”
After finding nearly every video he clicked on riddled with Bloomberg ads, a frustrated Wallace reportedly switched from Pornhub to Furrypalace.com, where he found an entire front page plastered with Bloomberg-sponsored furry porn.