WASHINGTON — The collection of white dorks that make up Elon Musk’s entourage asked for a significant raise if they are expected to publicly defend their boss from criticism following Musk’s Nazi salute at a Trump inauguration event, multiple sources confirmed.
“I’m Elon’s short ‘friend,’ he keeps me around to make himself look taller in photos. A typical day for me is waking up and liking everything Elon posted on X. Then I practice laughing in the mirror so that when we hang out I’m warmed up to laugh at everything he says and make it sound convincing,” said Eddie Menscomb, who has been on Musk’s payroll for six years. “But it’s been tough these past few months. When he jumped around on stage in Pennsylvania, I had to go on X and talk about how cool he looked and how he had a ripped six-pack. It felt dirt then, now after the Nazi salute I’m going to need a lot more money if he wants me to speak up for him. I’ve already talked with Elon’s fat friend, bald friend, and the friend with eyeballs just a little too far apart and we’ve all agreed to stick together until our demands are met. My only concern is how much leverage we have since so many people online are willing to defend him for free.”
Musk was quick to dismiss the blatant symbol of hatred he proudly did on stage, twice, as left-wing smear tactics.
“It’s so tired that everyone calls me a Nazi just because I made the exact same gesture Nazis did back when they were in power. I feel bad for these people because they just don’t get my sense of humor, if they were on my intellectual level they would see how obvious and based of a joke that was,” said Musk while taking a break from Trump events to hire someone to beat a video game for him. “The real Nazis are the people who are calling me a Nazi. I see them on X every day talking about how billionaires should be killed. It’s sad, sometimes when I’m in my spaceship I feel like a modern day Anne Frank.”
Political scientist Amelia Green does not expect this controversy to have any lasting effects on Musk.
“I’m not sure how much more clearly I can say this, but we live in Hell. The world’s richest man made an obvious overture to Nazis and mainstream media outlets are calling it ‘an awkward hand gesture’ and debating what it could have meant. The Anti-Defamation League should be sounding the alarm, but instead they seem to laugh it off and tell everyone to keep a cool head,” said Green. “I’m not even sure how we fight back at this point. We need more Luigis, that’s our only hope.”
At press time, Musk was seen trying out new facial hair in the mirror and claiming it was inspired by Michael Jordan in those Hanes commercials.