LOUISVILLE, Ky.. — Guests at local man Ricky Ellis’ house party endured an agonizing 30-minute wait for eccentric cocktails from their overenthusiastic host who has just taken up cocktail making, annoyed sources report.
“I spent over $300 on bitters, shakers, muddlers, zesters, ice molds, channel knives, pour spouts, jiggers, Aperol, Orgeat, and Curaçao. I even bought a vintage absinthe spoon! This is serious business,” said Ellis as he meticulously measured out the obscure ingredients. “I’ve got a bottle of homemade Celery Shrub that I swear by, a rare batch of Tincture of Orange Blossom, and a jar of Maple Syrup from an artisanal distillery in Vermont that I then smoked myself with a smoking gun. And let’s not forget the Branca Menta, which I had to order from Italy and the Scandinavian Akvavit. Trust me, it is worth the wait.”
Ellis’ friends, however, were less thrilled about his newfound passion.
“We want to be supportive, we really do,” said former roommate Sarah Mitchell, tapping her foot impatiently. “But we’ve been waiting for half an hour, and all we hear from the kitchen is clinking, glass breaking, and a lot of swearing. He already ran to the store for grenadine and fresh basil leaves, which he insists is necessary to make something called a Verdant Whisper. He didn’t even put out snacks or water for us while we waited because it would ruin our palate. He burnt himself pretty bad when he tried to flame a citrus peel. And I mean, come on, does that really do anything? He also put on a playlist he made to match the atmosphere and it’s like weird, Parisian lounge music from the 1950s.”
Dr. Jenna Brooks, PhD, a social psychologist and professor of bartending at University of Louisville, weighed in on the situation.
“There’s a thin line between supporting a friend’s new hobby and getting fed up with them,” Dr. Brooks explained. “It’s wonderful to see loved ones pursuing their passions, but when it starts to interfere with the enjoyment of others, tensions can rise quickly. The novelty of waiting for a craft cocktail wears off pretty fast when you’re parched and just want a simple beer. We’ve noticed the same thing happening with people who are getting into cooking because of shows like ‘The Bear.’ Their friends are forced to suffer through the wait of someone attempting to sous vide a duck breast for six hours.”
As of press time, after an hour and three failed attempts, Ellis presented his elixir to his friend who gulped it down in three sips and stated it tasted like “an overused library book” and “rainwater strained through cemetery dirt.”