NEW YORK — Legendary musician Sting is celebrating today the second anniversary of a full-body spiritual orgasm that began during a 2017 tantric session with his wife, horrified sources report.
“Ever since ‘Roxanne,’ Sting’s music has been about healing the world through love and passion. Now, he’s come to inspire us all once again,” said fellow tantra practitioner Bradley “Ashtavakra” Smith of the shuddering, clammy rock star. “We tantra devotees have long sought everlasting sexual harmony with the universe… but none of us expected to find it in the shriveled, spurting husk of a 67-year-old adult contemporary artist.”
Sources close to Sting, however, do not share Smith’s enthusiasm. Sting’s wife and tantra partner, Trudie Styler, is deeply ambivalent about her husband’s extended, life-altering climax.
“Tantric sex has always brought us closer together, but this time, something’s gone horribly wrong,” Styler said. “A four-hour orgasm is one thing… but this house hasn’t been free of guttural wailing since Obama was still in office. The last time he went outside was two months ago — completely hunched over — and I had to drag him back in when he started screaming about ‘…making love to the Great Sun Spirit.’ I don’t think that counts as cheating, but still, I’m very concerned.”
Styler claimed that Sting’s penchant for achieving tantric orgasms has sadly led to some unexpected repercussions.
“I can’t take him anywhere. We missed my nephew’s Christening because he couldn’t make it out the door on his post-coital jelly legs,” Styler added. “Now, he mostly gets around the house by lying face-down and just kind of vibrating across the floor, moaning. This is not what those tantra guides on Goop led me to expect.”
Sting, currently at work on a new solo album with the aid of several session musicians and physical therapists, struggled to comment on whether his current condition might impact his legacy.
“Mmmfuck,” Sting said of the new album. “Oh, I… ha. Hmm hnnngh. Jesus! Jesus fucking kuh… fufufufuuuuh. I’m… fuck. I’m. Buh. Oh, fuck. God! Oh, fuck! Fuck.”