SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y — Local cigar smoker Charles Morley and his group of male friends who look and act exactly like him announced their raison…
SEATTLE — Starbucks officials announced that the chain will now sell straight-up garbage for customers to throw in the fucking roads of their neighborhoods in…
GIBBON, Neb. — Perennial local opening act Algae Pile is raking in cash after making the decision to sell the headliners’ merch at their table…
Driving someone to the airport is as old as the miracle of flight itself, and you need to be a good judge of character before…
NUTLEY, N.J. — Local retired baby boomer Grant Walters confirmed that the “something to cry about” threat he used to scare his children decades ago…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — A participant of an impromptu road trip sing-along confidently began the chorus to a popular song a bit too early and reportedly…
RACINE, Wis. — Unconcerned sources report that the clumsy efforts of crowd-killer Danny Wilkins at a house show by local horror punk band Root River…
LEAWOOD, Kan. — Movie theater chain AMC rolled out a new tiered fee system allowing patrons to avoid seats behind cinephile boyfriends commenting on the…
OMAHA, Neb. — An unwanted Line 6 Spider III was recently abandoned on the stoop of the East Omaha Sanctuary For Unwanted Boys, somber sources…
HAZLEHURST, Miss. — Indie horror movie “The Scary Place” is leaving primarily Republican audiences in freshly shitted-and pissed-in pants due to its terrifying, uneventful depictions…
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Nearly all of the speakers at the service for deceased punk Jeremy Wiggins reported that he’d passed away still owing them…
OAKLAND – A recent Journal of Musicology paper titled ‘Slow Rides and Fast Cars: The Sound of Reckless Driving’ concluded that there aren’t nearly as…
DURHAM, N.C. — Allegedly ill punk Tommy Donnelly has taken to his deathbed, which is also his roommate’s used futon, with only enough strength to…
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. — Ben Bryes, guitarist for local alt-rock band Swiss Army Gun, reportedly switched his instrument while performing even though literally no one…
CHICAGO — Thirty-eight-year-old millennial and grocery store manager Tyler Bretlin was shocked to vividly re-experience the iconic opening credits scene of the early 2000s teen…