NEWARK, N.J. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agent Gary Morton decided to change his morally reprehensible ways and lead an upstanding life after a…
CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the…
ARLINGTON, Texas — Vice President JD Vance was spotted sign twirling outside of a Tesla dealership today, attempting to convince onlookers to pull in for…
LEXINGTON, Ky. — Self-proclaimed MAGA Christian Cullen Monroe took a moment to remind himself of his core values today with a quick glance at his…
MACON, Ga. — Local doormat Howard Logue showcased his clear lack of self-confidence by singing only the background vocals of a recent karaoke performance, sources…
WASHINGTON — Local sex worker Jasmine Lawler is facing years behind bars after being labeled a domestic terrorist because she burst out in hysterical laughter…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decided on a whim to pardon former Subway spokesperson and confessed serial child molester Jared Fogle, sadly unsurprised sources report.…
MANITOWOC, Wis. — Brooding songwriter Evan Stone’s dark, deep, and lonely creative process was seen mostly as an excuse to get day drunk on a…
WASHINGTON — As a flurry of new US tariffs continued to shake the world economy, President Trump announced the only place unaffected by his new…
PHILADELPHIA — Frequent PornHub uploader Tyler Jones was clearly going through some stuff as evidenced by the title of his latest entry, confirmed masturbators nationwide.…
EUGENE, Ore. — Tattoo artist Joe Brennan reportedly began to suspect his longtime client was just coming in to get his back shaved after the…
WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team at the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) launched a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the savings they claim to…
TUCSON, Ariz. — A local ICE agent’s wife Karen Wilkins is really hoping her own family gets torn apart, after years of watching her husband…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck to the floor in a…
FRANKFORT, Ky. — Oft-succumbing and soon-dying United States senator Mitch McConnell revealed his post-political plans of destroying all the houses Jimmy Carter built during his…