SHIPPENSBURG, Penn. — Local widow Claire Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her former spouse who tragically passed away recently, confirmed sources who have…
WASHINGTON — Popular ‘70s gay icons Village People announced they would be performing at multiple Trump inauguration events and will feature a new lineup made…
GAZA CITY, Palestine — Israeli Defense Force First Sergeant Yosef Shochet admitted that he is suffering from terrible nightmares portraying happy, active children playing in…
MOSES LAKE, Wash. — Your parents announced that your childhood trauma will now be officially rebranded as “how things were done in those days,” confirmed…
WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the…
NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70%…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the ’90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area,…
HELL — The underworld is in chaos after a coup d’état orchestrated by the late American diplomat Henry Kissinger sent Satan into hiding and installed…
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of…
BOISE, Idaho — Independent thinker and free spirit Bodun Haze became mysteriously defensive when conversation at a house party shifted away from his latest yoga…
EUGENE, Ore. — Local dominant Lucille Bellweather didn’t allow her submissive Craig Walters to finish the season finale of the show he was watching, confirmed…
NEW YORK — Judge Juan Merchan made a second high-profile ruling earlier today when he gave 17-year-old Shawn Thomas, tried as an adult, life in…
BEND, Ore. — Vegan office employee Jackie Caplan felt compelled to eat more than her fair share of uneaten greens during a social gathering, confirmed…
WASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons…
SEQUIM, Wash. — Local audiophile and longtime smoker Dale McGovern preferred the crackling sound and imperfections of cigarettes to the glossy frequency of a vape,…