WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the…
BELVEDERE, Ill. — Self-described ‘ultraMAGA patriot’ Gill Stevenson relentlessly criticized Greta Thunberg as she makes another attempt to bring aid to Gaza, according to sources.…
BROOKLYN — Local man Dan Flemming was forced to explain to friends why, despite a repeatedly publicized hiatus from Instagram, he has been using the…
NEWARK, Ohio — Local man John Regan went on a 20-minute tirade about gasoline prices while live streaming from his F150 pickup truck with the…
FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that…
WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero…
LOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change…
HONOLULU — Local skateboarding bulldog Excalibur reportedly pushes the board with his back legs instead of his front ones like a dork, according to its…
BOSTON — Middle-aged punk Mickey “Goatfucker” Sullivan never thought that swallowing several pills at once would be the most mundane part of his day, confirmed…
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local landlord Larry McNulty was compelled to raise rent to cover the ever-rising cost of never doing anything whatsoever, confirmed sources who…
NEW YORK — Random House Children’s Books official reissue of the long-dismissed 1991 Dr. Seuss manuscript “Oh, The Ways You’re Fucked!” is quickly becoming the…
SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle will have no effect on…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — A new study from the University of Michigan revealed that you can basically just walk out of Target with stuff and…
CLEVELAND, Ohio — Punk stalwart Dave “Mel-Mel” Ryans made the switch from the popular malt liquor Steel Reserve, sometimes known as 211, to infamous liqueur…
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Despite existing only as a series of crudely sketched plans on cocktail napkins and one AI-generated image architects have described as…