FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. — A bowl of overnight oats successfully converted last week into a barely recognizable “glob of total shit” nearly one month since its creation and neglect by local woman Janie Rajaratnam, disgusted sources confirmed.
“I’ve been trying to be healthier about breakfast, and overnight oats seemed like an easy choice,” Rajaratnam said of the remnants of her four-day habit. “But I just kinda forgot about them for a couple days, which turned into a couple weeks… and before I knew it, they just turned into this unidentifiable blob of nastiness nobody wanted to go near.”
Rajaratnam credited the evolution of the now-inedible oats to several factors — including frequent oversleeping, and the fact that oatmeal is “kind of lame.”
“We had a good run, but there was leftover pizza in there for two days… and I’m sorry, but oatmeal just can’t compete with that for breakfast. I don’t care how good it is for my cholesterol,” she explained. “I mean, yeah — you can spruce it up with some honey or maybe some cacao nibs, but even then it’s just, like… really? I just don’t feel ready to completely give up on enjoying life quite yet.”
Sadly for the oats, they were equally unfavored by Rajaratnam’s housemates, who described them as both “fucking disgusting” and “a total waste of a bowl.”
“I don’t know what Jane’s problem is, but she needs to just throw them out,” said roommate Ryan Holmes. “I can’t even tell anymore if that’s a clump of old blueberries or mold, but I don’t feel comfortable just having that all out in the open like that — not if it’s gonna be sharing space with my veggies, anyway.”
“I feel like the air in there is tainted now, and I’ll definitely be able to taste it… like how when you bring a drink into a bathroom or something,” he added.
At press time, the oats were passively aggressively shoved to a back corner of the refrigerator to join an abandoned attempt at celery juice, several loose chia seeds, and six boxes of baking soda, where the oats will likely reside until residents move out.