WASHINGTON — Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz made a shocking claim that he could expose his genitals to an underaged person and not lose any support from his base, disgusted DC insiders reported.
“Let’s be honest patriots, I could pull out my pecker and waggle it at a 13-year-old kid, yet it wouldn’t sway a single Republican vote. God bless America!” cackled a grinning Gaetz to unsuspecting diners at a beltway Denny’s. “I’m not saying I have done that or would do that. But I’m not NOT saying it either, you catch my drift? Everything is legal for me, President Trump, and my best friend, the ghost of British comic Jimmy Savile who we will pardon on day one.”
President-elect Donald Trump offered some insight into the decision-making process that led to Gaetz’s nomination.
“You know what, a lot of smart people say ‘it takes one to know one.’ This is why I’m putting Matt Gaetz in charge of the Department of Justice. We are finally going to start catching pedophiles, and no one knows a diddler better than Gaetz. He’s popular, he knows a lot of sexual deviants, really sick people, and that’s exactly what I’m looking for,” gurgled President Trump, who reportedly narrowed down his list to Gaetz, Woody Allen, and Jerry Sandusky. “He can walk into Langley with his little pebble cock hanging out, and who would arrest him? You gotta see it, it’s so small, possibly the smallest thing ever contained in pants. You can’t be prosecuted if no one can stand to be in your physical proximity. So I will build a cabinet so repulsive that not even that little dickhead Rachel Maddow would want to interview them for her little fake news show.”
Political analysts are dismayed at how brazen Trump’s cabinet is in their disturbing and off-putting behavior.
“While Matt Gaetz is correct that his followers would absolutely forgive him for any heinous crime, I’m hopeful that in this hypothetical situation, a decent human being would kick him in the chode if it were to transpire,” said Judy Granger, editor at Politico. “Democrats have proven that they won’t do anything outside of weak bureaucracy against Republicans, but that doesn’t mean ordinary people don’t have power. Especially ones with rifles and good aim.”
Another Trump cabinet pick, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has made a similarly bizarre claim that he could fellate a dead goat on Fifth Avenue and not contract bone disease from flouride in the goat’s blood.