ANAHEIM, Cali. — Local middle-aged man Shawn Hampton felt the full effects of venti Starbucks cold-brew and told friends that he felt he was at the height of his high sixty minutes after consuming the popular drink, onlookers report.
“All of a sudden I felt the vibration of the universe all around me and I could feel my body, finally for the first time in my life, actually in sync with the sound of God. But then everything started to get dark and kinda turn into fractals. I think I fell into a C-hole [caffeine hole] and I freaked out,” Hampton said while drinking a Monster energy drink in an effort to repeat the high. “It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never done it but when I peaked it was like, everything made sense. Ya know? It just sort of reminded me of how beautiful and fragile life can be.”
Friends of Hampton’s knew that something like this might happen.
“He does this every time we make day plans because he knows he won’t be able to nap around noon like he normally does. He thinks he can handle his coffee but he ends up doing too much,” Hampton’s friend Patti Porter said while giving Hampton some CBD to calm him down. “He can barely have an espresso without losing control and having hallucinations. He’s not twenty anymore, he can’t pound a case of Mountain Dew and not expect something bad to happen. It’s time for him to slow down.”
Professional trip sitter Carroll Baker explains that this is a very common occurrence for anyone over the age of 35.
“When an adult’s routine is broken it can have devastating effects. We normally see this when friends rent an Airbnb together and someone ends up going to bed hours later than they are used to. They drink a cold brew or two thinking you can handle it and soon they are freaking out,” Baker said while helping a 37-year-old who took too many NoDoz pills. “The best thing you can do for a friend who has had too much caffeine is just sit with them and assure them they are going to be ok. Some lavender essential oils might help and maybe a cup of Kava tea to bring them down slowly. They will be fine soon enough, and make sure they get some Vitamin B.”
As of press time, Hampton was seen at a nearby Whole Foods trying to score some valerian root.