LOS ANGELES — Exclusive insider reports revealed that the eleventh film in the “Saw” franchise will feature Jigsaw torturing his victims by strapping them into a pair of 1460 Dr. Martens originals and having them hike Runyon Canyon.
“Ten movies later, you would think we would have run out of ways to torment Jigsaw’s victims. Nope. We absolutely haven’t,” asserted “Saw” creator James Wan. “We’ve done tongue traps, knife traps, Chinese finger traps, you name it. This time, we wanted to give Jigsaw something kind of fun and modern. I saw one of the interns in the office hobbling around in her boots, and boom, it hit me: breaking in Docs is the way to go. And frankly, we also realized that true torture comes from the mundane nature of everyday life.”
Longtime “Saw” fans are reportedly thrilled to relate to the plotline of the latest in line of the iconic films.
“I mean, when I saw the needle trap, it was almost like my own reality. This city has just really gone to shit! Everyone’s on drugs. Right? Right?” asserted Los Angeles transplant, film critic, and failed screenwriter Jim George, while elbowing his expressionless, breadwinning wife. “But a new pair of Docs? I would rather cut off one of my own toes! You go ahead and give that idea right to James Wan and please ask him if he ever read my script about and up and coming poet who gets trapped inside a haunted Target.”
A spokesperson for Dr. Martens stated that they have a history of eccentric collaborations, so it’s only right that “Saw” comes next, especially considering the synergy between the participants.
“Not many people know this, but our shoes were originally designed to be blue-collar workwear shoes. So the reason they rip your heels to shreds and make you bleed is actually intentional and a reflection of how work is torture,” explained Ryan David, head of Dr. Martens global PR. “And the ‘Saw’ movies are all about literal torture, and while I’m sure there is a deeper thematic meaning hidden somewhere within the hours and hours of films that I have not and will not watch, right now I’m just going to go with the fact that the clown guy likes hurting people, and at the end of the day, so do we.”
At press time, Wan was considering having Jigsaw make a punk character cover himself in pyramid studs.