CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent Harvard report on the overall health of Americans showed that the residual moisture left behind by lettuce and tomatoes after being picked off a hamburger is the closest most citizens get to eating a vegetable.
“This wasn’t a study performed in a lab with a small sample size. We took years of data collected by staff at chain restaurants across the country who reported every time a customer left discarded vegetables on their tray. The results were far more alarming than we could have guessed. Most people you deal with on a daily basis have not eaten a leafy green in decades,” said lead researcher Dr. Suraj Patel. “Critics have said our study is flawed and that Americans lead the developed world in vegetable consumption. They claim that fry consumption should count as a vegetable and that it shouldn’t matter if it is deep fried, covered in salt, bacon bits, and cheese. We have also received pushback from some of the pizza chains who claim their tomato sauce is a great source of nutrition.”
Beck Hockson, an unknowing participant in the study, says he is perfectly healthy without vegetables.
“I’m tired of doctors telling me if I don’t start eating better my heart will explode before I turn 50. Some people operate better with high blood pressure. I get all the nutrients I need from the various ground beefs and sausages I eat on a daily basis,” said Hockson while downing multiple antacids. “I take several supplements that my favorite podcasts advertise and they claim to help with brain function and gut health. All I need now is a supplement that can thin out my urine so it’s not the viscosity of maple syrup.”
Produce buyers at major grocery retailers say the report is not a surprise.
“When we put in an order for lettuce, cucumbers, or carrots, we know that most of it is going straight into the garbage at the end of the day. We have to keep our produce section well-stocked so shoppers come in and think ‘I should try something healthy’ before they load up on potato chips and frozen chicken nuggets,” said Albertson’s Regional Manager Valerie Harrison. “And the small amount we do sell just ends up rotting in a customer’s fridge anyway. It’s a charade we all willingly participate in.”
A follow-up study from Harvard is expected to show a link between men who consider themselves “Alpha Males” and an inability to do ten pushups without passing out.