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Mom Reports Older Brother Is Doing Fantastic

BOSTON — Stanley Remington, the older brother of local punk James “Meatball” Remington, is “doing fantastic,” according to a report issued by the mother of the two adult men.

The unsolicited update from their mother, Denise Remington, included details surrounding Stan’s promotion to Associate Accountant, as well as a play-by-play of a recent birthday party for his 3-year-old daughter.

“Little Jessie blew out all the candles on her cake, and Stanley was even able to hire a clown,” Mrs. Remington said. “I spoke with the clown for a bit — nice man. I told him my youngest son, Jimmy, was also a performer. Maybe if music doesn’t pan out, Jimmy could do balloon animals.”

The younger Remington, caught off guard by the sudden update, is best known as the lead singer of the band Emergency Entrance. Their new album, Fibonacci Sequins, was named “the single greatest punk album in the last seven months” by a parody Boston Globe Tumblr account — a fact Mrs. Remington may not yet know.

“Stan has always sort of been the ‘golden boy.’ I tried telling [Denise] about this South American tour we’re planning, and how well our new album has been received,” said James. “But she just went on and on about Stan’s mortgage rate. I guess he’s thinking about buying a boat.”

At press time, Stanley Remington’s adjustable mortgage rate is 3.82 percent.

For her part, Mrs. Remington maintained the report was intended to encourage her youngest son to take a few pointers from his older brother.


“I think it’d be nice if Jimmy put the guitar away and finally got a real job, like Stan… at least until he has a family and a house. You know, Stan drives a Toyota Camry now. It’s very practical,” said Mrs. Remington. “My friend Tiffany has a Camry she bought in 1992 and it still runs great. Those cars last forever — they’re great in the snow with the front wheel drive.”

UPDATE: Witnesses confirm Mrs. Remington is now 45 minutes into a report about Bowser, the family dog, possibly needing that weird lump removed from his thigh.