WASHINGTON — Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly spent the week in a luxurious DC hotel while the coffin he sleeps in was re-lined, creeped-out hotel staff confirmed.
“Yes, it is true that I do sleep in a coffin,” said the Kentucky senator from his darkened hotel suite, while enjoying a tall glass of what was presumably tomato juice. “I’m simply very sensitive to light. I need a pitch-black environment to sleep in, and blackout curtains just don’t do enough to keep UV light from burning my skin. The frankly offensive suggestion that I am some kind of vampire or unholy creature of the night is patently absurd. Honestly, I would laugh if my facial anatomy didn’t prohibit such expressions of joviality.”
Upholsterer Grant Coombs of Woodbine, Virginia often caters to high-end clientele and was hired by McConnell to refresh the casket in question.
“Senator McConnell’s got a really nice coffin,” said Coombs. “A real classic brought over from the old world. Of course, over time, the lining in these things wears out and needs to be replaced. I’ve seen it all: claw marks, blood and adrenochrome stains… those things are hell on fine velvet and taffeta. But the senator is a great customer. He’ll even come by the shop in person when he needs something done. Of course, I make sure there aren’t any kids around when he shows up because he gets this sort of ravenous, wild-eyed look around ‘em. Starts frothing at the mouth a bit.”
Noted cryptozoologist Tad Van Helsing has had suspicions about Senator McConnell’s true nature for some time.
“No, the senator is not a vampire. At least not in the traditional sense. My research leads me to believe that he is some sort of heretofore unknown malevolent ghoul that delights in and feeds off of the suffering of others,” said Van Helsing. “That would certainly explain his policy decisions. Currently, I’m working on a device that should expose the creature’s true form, if I can get close enough to use it. Once McConnell is revealed to be the detestable monster he actually is, perhaps the people of Kentucky will finally stop voting for him… Ah, who am I kidding? They won’t give a fuck.”
The always-busy Coombs was already working on his next project for another high-profile customer: Senator Lindsey Graham tasked him with reupholstering his Herman Miller sofa, which had been heavily soiled by a number of undisclosed substances during a recent bacchanalian soiree.