DALLAS — Local middle-aged Slayer fan Doug Ulner was immediately prescribed medication to address his presumed high blood pressure upon his entrance to Southwest Dallas Medical Practitioners, sources report.
“Yeah, I have no idea what that was about,” the 44-year-old Ulner wheezed while scaling the 12 steps at the building’s entrance. “As soon as I walked in, a doctor who happened to be standing near the waiting room just handed me a bottle of something called ‘Lisinopril.’ I haven’t been to a doctor in over twenty years, and I’m only here because my wife begged me to book an appointment, so I guess I’ll start taking this medicine. I just don’t understand what it is about my appearance that made that doctor think I need it.”
Dr. Shameca Thurgood explained why she prescribed the medication so quickly.
“I was speaking to Daryl in reception when I saw a red-faced man wearing a ‘Hell Awaits’ shirt burst through our front entrance, and I knew exactly what his medical condition was,” Thurgood offered. “There’s a specific combination of poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, and exposure to over-stimulating music that leaves Slayer fans in particular much more susceptible to hypertension than, say, Sleep or Candlemass fans once they hit middle-age. I have a lot of patients today, and it would just be a waste of time to go through the motions with getting this guy’s height and weight. The medical attention he needs is patently obvious just from looking at him.”
Nicole Sanders, spokesperson for the American Heart Association, provided further insight
“Situations like this are actually indicative of recent measures that are being considered by the AHA,” Sanders said. “Certain music tastes, along with diet, lifestyle, genetics, and congenital heart conditions, are going to be listed as potential risk factors for hypertension and even Type 2 diabetes. We can simply no longer pretend that a middle-aged Neutral Milk Hotel fan runs the same risk as some oldhead who listens to Deicide. Alerting the public to this can save lives, and we’re looking to roll out this initiative as soon as possible.”
At press time, a second middle-aged patient wearing a Megadeth “Youthanasia” shirt was automatically prescribed Cialis upon entering the same office.