BUTLER, Penn. — A loose, and utterly disgusting, accidental bowel movement inside former President Trump’s underwear admitted it was already stinking up the surrounding area before a would-be assassin took shots at the Republican nominee, grossed out sources confirmed.
“I want to make this perfectly clear before the rumors start flying. I’m not one of those cowardly piles of shit that fly out of an anus when someone gets scared. I’m the result of a terrible diet and weakened control due to advanced age like the hundreds of my brothers and sisters before me that soiled Mr. Trump’s undergarments,” said the stool made up mainly of McDonald’s burgers, cheap steak, and french fries. “Sure, a little bit more leaked out after he hit the ground, but I want nothing to do with that waste. I sprayed out on my own terms at least 15 minutes before the shots were fired.”
A Secret Service Agent who chose to remain anonymous confirmed that the excrement is telling the truth.
“Unfortunately I was stationed down wind of President Trump at the rally and anytime there was a slight breeze I caught a whiff of it and nearly gagged. Thankfully we train for this. In order to be in President Trump’s protection circle you must be exposed to the most vile odors for hours at a time without wincing,” said the agent. “When I heard the shots I hesitated because I didn’t want to be the first one to pile on and have some of the crap leak onto my suit. I’ve had it happen before and we have to pay for that out of pocket. I had to cancel a family vacation to Disneyland because of the expense.”
Conservative pundits were quick to discredit the talkative scat and frame the former president as a hero.
“I don’t know why this pile of feces feels the need to center itself in the conversation. Every bit of that mixture of undigest food, bacterially altered bilirubin, and dead epithelial cells should consider itself lucky to be so close to the Mr. Trump,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity. “Personally I’d love to take a trip through his digestive system, and yeah I might come out before the former president could get to a toilet because I’d be so excited about the adventure I just went on. This literal piece of crap needs to fall in line.”
At press time, Trump supporters around the country announced plans to crap their pants in solidarity.