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Married Couple Now Using Nipple Clamps to Keep Potato Chips Fresh

LANCASTER, Pa. — Married couple Jennifer Schultz-Markakis and Dwayne Markakis are now using an underutilized set of nipple clamps to keep a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips fresh, slightly grossed-out sources confirmed.

“Between work, raising three kids, and endless school functions, it’s incredibly hard to find time and energy for sex… let alone using the kinky toys we’ve accumulated over the years,” explained Schultz-Markakis. “And those chip-clip thingys are so hard to find when you need them, too. So when I didn’t see any in our junk drawer, I quickly dusted off the nipple clamps Dwayne bought me for Valentine’s Day back in 2012. Worked like a charm.”

While Markakis was initially shocked to see his wife’s nipple clamps next to their children’s Pop Tarts in the pantry, he was impressed by her resourcefulness.

“Admittedly, I wasn’t thrilled explaining to my daughter why the chip-clip was bedazzled with the word ‘SLUT,’” Markakis said. “But dammit if they didn’t keep those chips from going stale — going on two weeks since we opened them, and still crispy as a motherfucker.”

Inspired by the nipple clamp repurposing, the couple is reportedly exploring other uses for their old sex toys.

“Here’s two things I know for sure — it’s hard to keep the romantic spark alive in a relationship, and the right sized butt plug can make for an excellent kitchen sink stopper,” said Markakis. “As it turns out, Jennifer and I have a real knack for repurposing for old marital aids. And apparently, a lot of married couples need help decluttering their bedrooms.”

Indeed, while the Markakis parents lament their now-dormant sex lives, the pair have turned their newly discovered skillset into a personal organization business.

“The first thing Jennifer asked us was, ‘Does shoving this inside yourself spark joy? And if not, would you use it as a rolling pin?” said client Sarah Bunsen. “Jennifer is basically the Marie Kondo of vibrating cock rings — there’s so much more they can do beyond increasing blood flow to an erection. She’s amazing!”

At press time, the Markakis’s burgeoning business had taken up all their remaining free time — resulting in even less sex for them than ever before.

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