NEW YORK — Local 27-year-old Kaitlyn Myers reportedly underwent the most extreme manic episode of her life that, by everyone else’s standards, pretty much just looked like a good day.
“It was a wild ride. It was like one day I was my usual self, the next I woke up and could look in the mirror without instinctively going ‘disgusting piece of shit,’” said Myers. “I’m pretty new to these delusions of grandeur. It reminded me of that one time I snorted eight lines of cocaine and just felt hope. Pretty soon my God complex got so out of control I was leaving my house and walking up to restaurants just to try out my new ability of looking waitstaff in the eye. I was like, ‘Is this how you all feel all the time? ‘Cause now I get it! If this were my life, I’d be using public bathrooms too!’”
Myers’ mother confirmed this erratic behavior was extremely worrisome.
“When my daughter informed me she had scheduled her own dentist appointment, I had to come get her before she started climbing rooftops claiming to be the Messiah,” Deborah Myers said. “I know a manic high when I see one. She started rattling off really grandiose things like, ‘Maybe I haven’t wasted all of the good years of my youth rotting in burnt-out potential.’ It was like talking to a complete stranger, a stranger who, if we’re being honest, was a lot less of a bummer to hang out with than my daughter.”
Psychologist Kathy Hurst confirmed these symptoms are endemic to a new mental health phenomenon in young people today.
“The DSM is considering adding a new type of bipolar for people whose highs are pretty much indistinguishable from the normal life of anyone who has their shit together,” said Hurst.
“We’re thinking of calling it ‘bipolar for people who have zero self-esteem except for one day
of the calendar year.’ Or BFPWHZSEEFODOTCY, for short. In terms of medication, we have no options. You can attempt to bring yourself back down the natural way by trying on jeans in the Target fitting room or calling your dad one time. Otherwise, use this day like a parking meter at an Ohio theme park. You have 12 hours left on this before the insurmountable dread creeps back in. Go. Answer your emails.”
At press time, Myers, still manic, was seen reasonably spending on household necessities.