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Man Without Dental Insurance Running Out of Good Sides of Mouth to Chew With

MESA, Ariz. — Local man Jeffrey Woodward is running out of good sides of his mouth to chew with, thanks to his lack of dental insurance for the past 13 years, desperate sources confirmed today.

“Premiums are ridiculously expensive, but I’ve been managing — when I got a sharp pain in one of my molars, I started exclusively chewing on the right side. That was until ol’ right-front became sensitive to hot and cold,” said Woodward gingerly, holding an ice pack. “Now, I’ve got my mouth divided into quadrants, and I’m only using left-front and back-right for chewing if something is too big to swallow whole.”

In addition to creative chewing techniques, Woodward is exploring alternative methods of nourishment and dental care.

“After my girlfriend — or I guess I should say ex-girlfriend — refused to ‘baby bird’ my food for me, I’ve been trying something I like to call ‘frontier dentistry,’” said Woodward. “But, sadly, tying a string to your tooth and the other end to a sprinting dog trying to catch a frisbee doesn’t work. And the less said about the ice skate trick from the movie Cast Away, the better.”

Local dentist Dr. Diane Popov sympathizes with low-income Americans like Woodward, but ultimately feels oral care is their responsibility.

“Being unable to afford basic medical care is a reality for many Americans, but there are alternatives. None of them are safe, legal, or really effective, but they’re there,” said Popov. “Ultimately, the way I see it is, if people really wanted affordable healthcare, then they should have thought of that before being born in the greatest country in the world.”

At press time, Woodward contacted a “dentist” from Craigslist willing to remove the tooth, so long as Woodward supplies his own anaesthetic and “brings enough for him, too.”