LOS ANGELES — Local man Paul Jones admitted he is thrilled to celebrate the most important woman in his life this International Women’s Day: his bisexual girlfriend, multiple sources confirmed.
“Yeah, ever since my niece painted two of my nails, I’ve been really in touch with my femininity. I realized women are so important. Without them, who would we have sex with? I mean, procreate with? I mean, respect as equals in both the workplace and the home,” said Jones while creating a “shared” Tinder account. “I’m so lucky to have so many important women in my life. My mom. My sister. The girl whose Only Fans I keep forgetting to unsubscribe from. But most importantly, my amazing and extremely bisexual girlfriend Bella. I hope that we get to do something exciting for the holiday. Someone different, maybe. I think that would make us both really happy. As long as it’s not like that one scene in ‘Deadpool,’ I’m not sure I’m there yet.”
Jones’ girlfriend Bella Chin seemed less thrilled about the prospect of celebrating the day with him.
“He keeps asking me if we’re having a threesome. And asking why women get a whole day when we ‘already have Valentine’s Day’ and then he said something about how the pay gap ‘doesn’t exist anymore’ for some reason,” said Chin exasperatedly. “It’s not even a real holiday. International Women’s Day is just an excuse for the most annoying women you know to post pictures of their homogenous friend groups. All I really want today is 45 minutes to myself where I can just sit in silence and reflect on how I need to find a new partner.”
Couples therapist Janet Green lent her expertise regarding Jones and Chin’s relationship.
“To be honest, I’m surprised they have lasted this long. It seems their only common interest is women,” Green said while shaking her head. “I see this dynamic all the time. The man thinks he has a free pass to pretend to be progressive because his girlfriend is bisexual, and then the second he can ask for a threesome under the guise of some sort of gift, he absolutely will. From what I can see, I think it would be better if they both went separate ways, holiday be damned.”
At press time, Jones was found girlfriend scouting in the GA section of a Phoebe Bridgers concert and in a newly gentrified neighborhood.