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Man Who Picks Up Fallen People in Pit Snubbed by Nobel Peace Prize Committee

ORLANDO — The local scene took notice when highly lauded community hero, Terrence Mann, was left out of those named as 2021 Nobel Peace Prize recipients, overlooking nearly two decades of his quick ability to lift fallen comrades, strangers, and even enemies from mosh pits.

“Terrance was definitely on our radar. Without his efforts, fallen pit goers would certainly be crushed to death in bloody Doc Marten-fueled death spirals, or at least maybe their cigarettes would get smushed,” committee spokesperson Delila Sharpe stated. “Unfortunately, his work was overshadowed by two journalists whose cumulative efforts served to safeguard freedom of expression, which is a precondition for democracy and lasting peace. I don’t personally know what that means, but it looks really good on paper.”

Mann took the snub in stride and downplayed the overall significance of the award in general.

“I mean, if they gave the thing out fairly, it would be more of a bummer, but we all know they don’t. I’m a necessary part of this machine we call punk rock, you know?” said Mann. “I’d still be ready and willing to pick any of those committee members up off the floor if they fell in a mosh pit at a show I was specifically at. No doubt about that. Shit, even Mahatma Gandhi was snubbed for that Nobel P, I guess you can say he and I are kindred spirits in that way. Plus, I don’t eat much meat either, so this is making more and more sense the longer I think about it.”

Locals in the music scene seem to be less than pleased with the snub, suggesting that former Nobel Peace Prize recipients are mostly nerds with weak forearm muscles who don’t understand the meaning of “family.”

“Dude, Terrance took this like a champ. He’s still out there supporting the local scene and picking us up off the floor like no one’s watchin’. I’d like to see even one of those Nobel Peace Prize laureates pick a 200-pound man off the ground before his head is caved in by a boot,” said show regular Tommy Swartz. “Plus, I’ve seen that dude fill up that giant orange water cooler when it was empty and hoist it up on the bar counter like it was nothing, and he’s not even a barback or anything. He just did it because it needed to be done.”

“If coming up with a way to make accelerating chemical reactions more efficient is more worthy of a prize than that, well that prize can just go fuck itself,” he added.

Photo by Jana Miller.