AUSTIN, Texas — Local project manager Jason Butler is positive that advances in AI won’t threaten his employment, where he spends the majority of his day pretending to be active on Microsoft Teams, sources confirmed.
“Riddle me this. Could AI think of buying a mouse that moves my cursor for me while I go to Equinox’s Best Abs Ever class? No. That’s multitasking. Plus I went to Princeton where my dad’s charitable donations got me to graduate even though I only attended half my classes,” Butler asserted as he shoveled down overnight oats with one hand and scrolled vintage tee shirts on DePop with the other. “A lot of people ask me ‘What does a project manager even do’? I mean, isn’t it literally in the name? These people need to get a clue. Call me the Great Gatsby the way that Teams green light is always on. Wait. That was a good one, I gotta post that on BlueSky.”
However, insiders at Open AI revealed that they have been working on a hyper-specific Chatbot that may soon be able to replicate Butler’s work.
“We’ve actually developed an artificial intelligence model that imitates apathetic white collar workers down to the minute details,” revealed Open AI founder Sam Altman. “Just recently I asked it what it does for fun, and it said ‘I just really love going to the gym, house music, day drinking, and traveling. I went to Princeton.’ It even told us it’s emotionally unavailable and needs to focus on writing, completely unprompted. Watch what happens when we give it a Zyn.”
Missy Knowles, the human resources representative at Butler’s startup, explained why he was going to be let go.
“Here at DataSource, we really value optimizing workflow, and ensuring we are on the margin for our yearly and quarterly budget packages. We have unfortunately, due to budget restrictions, and the millions we padded our CEO’s bonus with, have had to make some difficult decisions this year,” Knowles said. “Off book? Jason just fucking sucks honestly. Whenever we ask him to do anything he says we’re not ‘respecting his boundaries’ and that we don’t ‘value his contributions’ when his job is literally sending one to two emails a day to make sure people meet their deadlines. Of course AI can do his fucking job.”
As of press time, Butler expressed wanting to find a career he was “really passionate about and that can’t be taken by AI. Like data entry, journalism, or comedy writing.”