WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance once again shared his belief that Americans need to be having more babies, though sources say it’s become increasingly unclear that he doesn’t know how they’re made.
“We need to make America have babies again,” Vance said. “The president has directed Elon, and not me, but that’s totally fine, to find more money to fund storks across America from now on. I couldn’t be prouder to be part of this historic administration. More babies being born means more chances that there will finally be another human out there who thinks I’m normal and I fully support funding this critical service.”
Though Vance has been sharing his beliefs on the importance of procreation for years as a public figure, his obsession with people having babies has reportedly gone on even longer than that.
“Back when JD was a student here, he would often come to office hours and ask me what I thought were rather unsettling questions,” said Yale Law School Professor Seymour Smith. “I’m happy to help my students as much as I can, but I vividly remember him sitting down across from me to ask logistical questions about how the baby gets from God to the hospital and wondering what the tariff situation on that whole thing is.”
Elon Musk, ever the team player, has even reportedly offered guidance to JD on how babies are made by renting out his AI girlfriend to him for the day.
“I wish them many years of passionate keyboard tapping together, though I have to say, she’s kind of a total bitch sometimes, especially if my computer battery is running low,” Musk said. “She’s not the right fit for the mother of my 16th child, but maybe I’ll let her have the 22nd if she’s lucky. Either way, I hope she’ll teach him a thing or two so he’ll finally stop asking me and The Donmeister what sex is in every meeting.”
At press time, President Trump signed an Executive Order to direct all health and sex ed courses in schools across the country to teach “Hillbilly Elegy” as part of their curriculum.