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In Lieu of Living Wage Boss Agrees to Let Employees Come in Baked as Fuck

DURANGO, Colo. – Employees at a local insurance office were granted permission to arrive to work baked out of their goddamn gourds and reeking of that good shit in lieu of a raise in pay, sources ignoring the profit reports confirmed.

“We raked in stellar profits six quarters in a row. But, you know, with the economy the way it is we don’t think pay raises are in the company’s best ineterest, we have to make sure things stay liquid,” said Operations Manager Jamie Sopa. “And we’ve made several concessions for the sake of our employees. They’re allowed to park in the management spots, they can wear sneakers to the office, and if they want to get blazed while listening to Sleep in the parking lot before their shift, then we’ll happily ignore that they smell like a Phish concert and keep telling stories that go nowhere.”

Employees report some difficulties as they acclimate to the new office environment.

“Was it a bummer to practically be facing a decrease in pay as the recession hits and prices on food and groceries continue to rise? Totally. But I do appreciate not having to waste money on Visine and shitty vape pens that always break,” reports Kendra Wolf. “Now I can pack some sticky Grape Ape into a blunt and get through the day without thinking about how our bosses are exploiting our labor, and how Marx was so on fucking point, and how dope the Beyoncé remix of ‘Savage’ sounds divine on headphones. Now, where is that stack of papers I just had? Oh, it’s right here, in my hand.”

Human Resources experts note that offering a few small perks in the workplace often quells labor disputes.

“We’re having to get more creative in giving employee benefits that don’t actually cost us anything,” said HR director Casey Foster. “Low-cost perks such as pizza parties, Starbucks gift cards, and friendly eye contact from their superiors are ideal for employee morale and the budget. But we have found great success with allowing them to arrive to work with Deftones blaring through their earbuds with eyes as red as Kermit the Frog’s mouth and a bag of Taco Bell breakfast burritos in hand. The most genuine smile at work is from a stoner fresh off a smoke break.”

At press time, employees were lost in the bathroom after taking six grams of mushrooms on “Microdose Friday.”