NEWARK, N.J. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agent Gary Morton decided to change his morally reprehensible ways and lead an upstanding life after a resident of a house he was illegally raiding mistook him for Santa Claus, uplifted sources report.
“It was a pretty typical evening up until then,” Morton said. “I had broken down the front door and entered the house screaming with my gun raised and finger on the trigger, even though nobody there had any sort of violent history. I ran upstairs and burst into one of the bedrooms to find a little girl sitting up in bed and rubbing her eyes. When she looked at me and said ‘Santa?’ my heart just swelled. I suddenly realized how unspeakably cruel my profession is. I immediately told everyone downstairs to take her parents and siblings out of their handcuffs, then canceled the transport down to New Orleans where we were planning to detain them unnecessarily for an inordinate amount of time. I’m going to quit this job and become a nurse or mall Santa or something.”
Morton’s boss Russel Warren was not happy to hear about his revelation.
“This is just great,” Warren complained. “We’re up to our necks in unconstitutional raid and detainment assignments now that Trump is back in office, and my best agent suddenly decides to turn his life around. Now I need to add finding a new candidate to replace him onto my already full plate. Gary was the most talented officer I’ve ever seen when it comes to arresting people exclusively because of their skin color, and now the skills I’ve helped him hone are going to be completely wasted on a job where he betters society by helping people.”
ACLU lawyer Stacey Devons reacted to the news.
“It’s definitely heartening to hear something like this right now,” Devons offered. “My department’s caseload of corrupt ICE practices has never been higher, so Agent Morton’s conversion means less work for me. ICE agents are basically the worst human beings you can imagine, so it makes sense that a whimsical encounter with a child is the only thing that can change them. I just wish there was a way for us to induce this type of occurrence everywhere so these monsters stop terrorizing innocent people who are just trying to live their lives.”
At press time, Warren had also sworn to turn his life around after having been visited by three ghosts in the night.