WASHINGTON — Members of the Kamala Harris campaign admit they were deeply troubled by the complete lack of dead people voting in this year’s election, a constituency they truly depended on, sources confirm.
“We thought we had the corpse vote locked up after Jimmy Carter endorsed Kamala, but they just did not show up on election day. We had shuttle busses parked outside of graveyards across the country to bring them to the polls, but not a single dead person emerged from their tomb to cast their vote,” said Harris campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodriguez. “We know dead voters are a particularly strong voting block because most dead people have a favorable view of Democrats. They got to see Democratic leaders be champions of the working class, and fight for civil rights. Unfortunately, most alive voters don’t see Democrats the same way.”
Simon Grooms, a lifelong gravedigger, wasn’t surprised by the undead community’s low turnout.
“Once them bodies are in the ground they tend to stay there. Thought I saw a zombie in the graveyard once, turns out it was just some teenagers trying to find a private place to play around with each other’s wet spots,” said Grooms. “Now listen up, if that Harris woman wanted votes she should have tried to appeal to the werewolves. Plenty of them around, yup, see them all the time. Running around, biting joggers and howling at the moon. But Democrats turned their backs on cryptids long ago, darn shame.”
Political strategist Ari Spencer believes Harris should have focused much more on alive voters and their grievances.
“When your base tells you they are upset about an active genocide it might be best to listen and not silence them. It’s also probably in your best interest to appeal to the working class as opposed to the corporate class, but nobody at the DNC seems to want to heed that advice,” said Spencer. “I did some research and discovered that people who died before any voting started made up 0% of the votes in 2020, and in 2016 it was also 0%. It’s always been 0%, because they are dead.”
At press time, Harris and her team admitted they were disappointed by President Biden’s record number of deportations, believing that those people were solidly Democrat.