ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Local man Jullian Karnes is hopeful for a war waged by the working class towards the wealthy elite this Christmas, but will settle for a nice hot sandwich maker instead if need be, fed-up sources report.
“Given the fact that the whole country is fixated on the killing of that United Healthcare CEO and since it has opened the eyes of so many working-class folks to how the disgustingly wealthy oppress us in every facet of our lives, I just know this is our year,” Karnes said. “I’ve dropped hints to all my friends, my mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, and I even sent an email to the CEO of Orkin saying that this year, he and all his other bloodsucking, rich cronies are toast. It’ll be a real Christmas miracle! But, um, in the event of government interference, I have a few other ideas.”
Audrey Karnes, Jullian’s mother, feels guilty her son may not get his wish, but believes he’ll be more than happy with the alternative.
“Oh, I just hate to see Jullian get his hopes up like this. He’s done nothing but listen to Angelic Upstarts and go on Reddit to talk about working-class oppression with his internet friends for weeks,” Mrs. Karnes stated. “When I typed ‘class war’ into Amazon, I didn’t find anything remotely close to waging war on rich oligarchs. I did however find him a really nice panini press that burns the Crass logo into the bread. That’s just going to have to do until more Americans open their eyes to the bastards that grind us down.”
Working-class historian and scholar Jada Munson explains how many holiday stories originally had strong pro working-class messaging.
“For a holiday that has become a cesspool of capitalist consumerism giving the illusion of happiness while bosses rake in record profits across the world, it’s pretty ironic stories like ‘Frosty the Snowman’ were originally set out to be the very antithesis of those things,” Munson stated. “Very few people know Jack Rollins was a staunch working-class activist, and he came up with the song while dodging the bullets of company finks when he wasn’t slaving away in the coal mines. But CBS thought it would be more marketable if it were about a snowman and not killing coal bosses. It’s a real shame.”
At press time, Audrey Karnes was seen wrapping her family’s gifts with