CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Amateur musician Ryan Mason spent countless hours through the last couple weeks crafting a flyer for his band’s show tonight, forgetting to practice, fix his amp, write songs, or find any other musicians to join his band.
“Shit… fuck. Fuck! Goddamnit. Fuck,” said Mason. “When I booked tonight’s show, I figured I had plenty of time to form a band, create a cohesive sound, and write songs. But those 10 days just flew by. I guess it didn’t help that I spent most of that time clipping the perfect magazine photos to use for the flyer. But it seriously is a sick-looking show flyer.”
With just hours until showtime, Mason hastily posted a “musicians wanted” ad online earlier today, but only received a single response — from local guitarist Jonathan Prateek.
“I was browsing Craiglist when I saw in all caps, ‘NEED A DRUMMER, BASSIST, GUITARIST, NEW AMP FOR TONIGHT, MUST BE GOOD AT IMPROVISING, NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS.’ Obviously, I responded just to see how batshit this person was,” said Prateek. “Seconds later, I got an email from [Mason] giving me the time and address of the show and asking me to arrive with any and all instruments I had. He also attached scans of hand-written lyrics and then the words, ‘duh nuh nuh nuh der der nuh nuh…’ which I suppose is the guitar part for one of his songs.”
Despite lacking a proper band, songs, and any obvious talent, Mason still arrived to his gig on time, to the chagrin of venue owner Julie Donata.
“Ryan had a bass drum on his back, two cymbals strapped to his knees, and his guitar slung over his shoulders. When I asked where the band is, he said, ‘You’re looking at it’ before sauntering on stage,” said Donata. “His lyrics mostly plagiarized the opening act’s songs and WHAM’s ‘Careless Whisper.’ Later, his cymbals broke free and he clumsily chased them through the venue like he was in a goddamn Marx Brothers movie. Not the worst set I’ve ever seen, though.”
At press time, Mason had scheduled four more shows, including two out-of-town gigs, assuming that committing to them now will be just the motivation he needs to start a band “for real this time.”