NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Gravel took home the honors last night for the most damaging and uncomfortable surface to drunkenly face-plant onto after a long night of heavy drinking, beating out cracked tile and icy sidewalks for a third consecutive year, permanently scarred and heavily bandaged sources confirmed.
“First of all, I’d like to thank God and the construction workers that laid me here; it was really anyone’s game this year,” said a bucket of gravel during its acceptance speech. “I know hot sand was doing his thing throughout the summer, and asphalt is always putting up good numbers, but I held through with consistency. It’s an honor to receive this award.”
The unanimous vote was cast by groups of drunks stumbling out of concerts everywhere. Eligible voters spent upwards of five minutes writhing on the ground in pain, intermittently pulling their friends down with them.
“Gravel was far and away the winner. My friend Kelsey broke her ankle walking on gravel in heels, like, two weeks ago, but she legally gets Vicodin now, which makes Wine Wednesdays way more fun,” said local lush Tiffany Clark. “Cobblestone was a close second — I busted the fuck out of my knee the other night thanks to those dumb, uneven rocks. But gravel… man, that stuff gets stuck inside you for days.”
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Fans of gravel celebrated the latest pinnacle for the loose aggregation of small stones and their ability to inflict extreme pain.
“Gravel killed it this year — and by ‘it,’ I mean a couple peoples’ chances of ever walking again,” said concert security guard Max Holcomb. “When all is said and done, it’s just cool to see that hard work still pays off. Watch for gravel to make a repeat next year, as a herd of winos stumble out of a Rise Against concert and across tiny pebbles with more difficulty than it took for Jesus to walk on water.”
UPDATE: A loose patch of gravel in New York City is being tested for a performance enhancing substance after an accusation of “like, bits of broken glass in here or some shit,” by one woman after completely biffing it outside of a club.