AUSTIN, Texas — Governor Greg Abbott deployed Texas National Guard troops to combat the rapidly spreading wildfires in the state’s Panhandle, according to his press conference’s increasingly confused-looking ASL interpreter.
“We’re confronting this fire in the same way Texans deal with any emergency,” said Gov. Abbott. “Texans don’t pussyfoot around like some other woke states who just want to splash water around. If we see a problem, we attack it head-on with decisive force. Right now, there are thousands of Guard troops encircling the fire with concertina wire, while others are firing a barrage of high-caliber rounds directly at the flames in an effort to halt its progress. We’re also setting out the same buoys we installed in the Rio Grande as another method of containment.”
While the governor’s tactics are unorthodox, many of those affected by the wildfire remain steadfast in their support of Abbott.
“I watched as those brave Guardsmen attacked the fire with everything they had,” said Hutchinson County resident Edith Ward. “Even though my house—and the entire neighborhood—was completely consumed by the flames, I was comforted in knowing the governor is in control and is actually doing something about it. He didn’t sit around jawing with consultants and so-called ‘experts.’ Just like with the border crisis, Abbott got on the horn and made things happen immediately. You fight fire with fire, everyone knows that.”
Climatologist Jeoffrey Greene stresses that there is no evidence to suggest bullets of any kind would be able to effectively suppress a wildfire.
“I’m not against out-of-the-box thinking when it comes to dealing with crises such as this, but there’s nothing in the scientific journals that support this action,” said Greene while running a computer simulation of a bullet being shot into a fire. “And I hate to tell them that the fire is just going to sweep right over all that barbed wire. I worry that as distrust in science grows, we’re going to see a lot more outlandish conservative tactics rolled out to deal with environmental disasters. For instance, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis recently claimed that banning pronouns can somehow help to stave off sea level rise.”
At press time, Gov. Abbott’s science advisor was reportedly working with engineers to develop some kind of gun that could shoot ice cubes instead of bullets.