DANBURY, Conn. — 48-year-old Bruce Wallach wishes contemporary rappers would introduce themselves as they did in ‘80s hip hop, sources near him in line at Trader Joe’s confirm.
“I liked it when rappers obeyed some basic rules of etiquette. Things were so much simpler back then,” said Wallach while enjoying some extra-mild buffalo wings. “For example, if I were writing a rap I’d say, ‘My name is Bruce and I’m here to say / I like to drive my Prius every day.’ See? Right at the outset of the song, you know who I am and something about me. Rap made after 1989 or so is basically incomprehensible. Who are they and what do they want? There are like 40 people in Wu-Tang—how could I ever sort them out without formal introductions? And don’t get me started on these mumbling Soundcloud rappers. Their intentions are never clear.”
Longtime friend Connor Hanson suggests Wallach needs to get with the times.
“Bruce was never even a big rap fan. I gave him a Public Enemy tape for his thirteenth birthday and it never left the shrinkwrap,” said Hanson. “He preferred the Phil Collins’ ‘No Jacket Required’ tape his mom gave him. Bruce is falling into the trap of romanticizing the past and getting hung up on nostalgia. I’m still seeking out new music and going to shows while most of my friends just pine for the old days. They watch old music videos online and order ‘80s toys on eBay, all while complaining that everything new sucks. Frankly, they’re starting to sound like Boomers.”
Old school hip hop artist DJ Tonearm claims that a lot of people are misremembering the history of rap.
“When these middle-aged white dudes reminisce about early hip hop, most of them are actually just recalling the 1988 Fruity Pebbles commercial where Barney Rubble says, ‘I’m the master rapper and I’m here to say / I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way,’” said the DJ while crate-digging in Bushwick. “Other than that, the line appears very seldomly in actual hip-hop songs. Guys like this think the pinnacle of rap was the scene in ‘Office Space’ where they beat the shit out of the printer to a Geto Boys song.”
At press time, Wallach had been overheard lamenting there being “no good bands like Pearl Jam anymore,” despite them still being an active touring and recording act.