CHATHAM, Mass. — Struggling married couple Danny Holland and Mark Brewster admitted they are privately rooting for implementation of Project 2025 which would outlaw gay marriage and save them thousands of dollars in legal fees, sources close to the situation confirmed.
“Obviously Project 2025 is a draconian nightmare dreamed up by some of the most vile and demented people on the planet, but the silver lining is Mark and I can move on from each other without going bankrupt in the process,” said Holland while sitting in his car in the driveway so he didn’t have to make awkward conversation with the man he once loved. “This could be the clean break we’ve been hoping for. We don’t have kids, we rent our apartment, and the only thing that was keeping us together was our labradoodle Dexter who died last year. Our relationship died with Dex. Now I can’t stand the way Mark talks, and hearing him laugh makes me feel like I just drank hot acid. I guess I’m voting red in November.”
Friends of the couple were disturbed by the fact they were so open to the right-wing platform.
“It seems pretty shortsighted for these guys to be rooting for something that would basically make the President a dictator, roll back the already inadequate climate change initiatives, and make the country some sort of Christian Nationalist hellscape,” said longtime friend Eva Staley. “Yeah, they might not be married anymore, but also it’s not out of the question to think the government will round up every gay person in the country and force them into some conversion therapy program. I’ll donate to their divorce fund if they promise not to vote for Trump. Hell, I’ll go to law school, get my degree, and represent both of them for free.”
Heritage Foundation president Kevin Roberts says the panic behind Project 2025 is being blown out of proportion.
“This is all a bunch of legal mambo jumbo that you don’t need to concern yourself with. When is the last time you thought about the Department of Education? Are you really going to miss some bureaucracy when we eliminate it and enroll students in private Christian institutions? Probably not,” said Roberts. “And yeah we want to outlaw porn and make anyone who watches it register as a sex offender. If you even think an impure thought without asking Jesus for an apology then guess what? You’re a sex offender.”
At press time, Holland and Brewster are refusing to change their voting plans despite repeated reminders that ending marriage equality is not expressly outlined anywhere in Project 2025.