PORTLAND, Maine — Local apolitical friend Bryce Flowers admitted that he is only watching the 2024 election coverage for the commercials, confirmed sources who were ashamed to say they were doing the same.
“Yeah, I don’t know anything about politics-ball, but I can’t wait to see the new Doritos’ commercial. I heard Paul Rudd is going to be in it this year. That guy elevates every corporate advertisement,” said Flowers while giving a standing ovation after watching an ad for Progressive car insurance. “There was a pretty great Geico one earlier. It had a camel walking around an office asking people what day it was because he wanted everyone to say it’s hump day. You know, since camels have humps. I mean, how do they come up with stuff? Truly Hemingway-esque advertising writers at Geico. Anyway, I’m not even sure who’s playing this year in the election. I just hope it’s a good match.”
Friends of Flowers wondered why they invited him to their watch party in the first place.
“Bryce was more excited about seeing Jake From State Farm on screen than Wolf Blitzer. I kind of get that part, but still,” said longtime friend Anna Gregerson. “This is the most important election of our lifetime or until the next one and this guy is more interested in hearing a narrator who sounds like Tom Selleck recite the side effects of Cialis. It’s like he thinks he’s better than everyone by not caring. Deep down, I’m almost jealous of his civic apathy, but on the other hand, he’s getting a little too pumped for a Rocket Mortgage ad. I do not want to be that dense.”
Experts believed news networks were planning to cater more to the politically inept demographic.
“The presidential election is the Super Bowl of politics,” said media strategist Lilly Tulane. “Media outlets are even considering adding an election halftime show to appeal to the governmentally uninterested. MSNBC is already thinking ahead and has revealed that Usher is scheduled to play their election halftime show in 2028. It’s going to be a ratings bonanza.”
At press time, Flowers was seen completely zoned out on his phone as Anderson Cooper called results for New Hampshire on television.