WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans during arraignment on sex trafficking charges, court reporters have confirmed.
“I’ve seen some brazenly dumb stunts unfold before a judge but this takes the cake. I’m assuming he believed the judge would be impressed by his naked torso and overpriced jeans as if this were a mall in 2003, however it’s not the look you want to present when you’re being accused of tricking young men into prostitution,” said Michael Schwartz. “It also didn’t help that the cologne Mr. Jefferies was flirting with the stenographer, and he was nearly found in contempt because he kept oiling up his nipples. I wouldn’t want to be the Marshall who has to extradite him to New York City tomorrow.”
Jefferies’ attorney denied any wrongdoing by his client.
“While we are taking these allegations very seriously, there’s been a huge misunderstanding. The fact that my client looks and acts like a high school bully who’s never been held accountable and openly won’t wear shirts in public doesn’t mean he is using that lifestyle to coerce young men into interstate sex rings in exchange for modeling contracts. I’m sure you can see how the two are conflated,” said Frank Laggio. “I told the judge Mr. Jefferies’ shirtless look was him merely living the A&F values, which in hindsight probably didn’t help and is why the bail was set to $10 million. Maybe I should’ve at least given him my tie.”
Anti-sex trafficking advocates pointed out that Jefferies’ charges were not surprising.
“Jefferies appearing sans shirt, even in federal court, is proof enough that these executives are brazenly depraved. Have you ever been in an Abercrombie, Zara, or Hollister where you didn’t feel like you were about to be groped?” said Ally Williams. “This is a great day for justice and for exposing the dangerous world of douchebag clothing chains. One day you think you’re going to be modeling in front of a clothing store across from Auntie Anne’s, the next you’re tricked into giving a lap dance to some asshole hedge fund manager. I just hope the people he hurt can finally get a sense of peace.”
As of press time, court recessed for the day after Jefferies doused himself in Abercrombie’s signature “Fierce” fragrance, causing a mass evacuation of the courthouse.