Here are some fun facts you might not know about kids; they have more tastebuds than adults, they’re born ambidextrous, and their undying loyalty is to their mother regardless of your status as sole breadwinner and objectively better-looking spouse. If Annmarie wants to move forward with the divorce proceedings and file for full custody of the kids, be my guest because I’ll be cruising away from my problems on Lake Kalamazoo at a cool 42 miles per hour. Here are five kick-ass jet skis to put the “party” in your ex-parte divorce.
SeaDoo GTX Limited Edition
This ride touts durability and “ultimate family fun” as its major selling points, but who needs a family when you have all the hottest girls at the lake flashing you while you do donuts on the lake? Sometimes the best things in life are free, but sometimes they cost 12 monthly payments of $2000.
Yamaha WaveRunner FX
Playful, fun, and stylish. All the traits my wife said I lacked can be found in the WaveRunner FX. This stand-alone beauty could be yours for $20000, which is pocket change now that I’m saving loads of cash not providing food, clothing, or shelter for my loved ones.
Kawasaki Ultra
Real men know that a high-performance vehicle is the only way to supplement a low performance in the bedroom. Bright colors, loud noises, and glow-in-the-dark decals will leave your new hot young girlfriend so satisfied, that she’ll probably forget all about your laundry list of penile dysfunctions
Honda Aquatrax SLT
With a meager price point of $600, the Aquatrax isn’t exactly something to brag about, but if the judge doesn’t rule in your favor, it may be the only watercraft you can afford. Sure, it might not attract the most attention but who wants to attract materialistic, gold-digging women anyway? That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.
Polaris Jet Blaster
Somehow cheaper and even more dangerous than the Honda Aquatrax, we’ve arrived at the infamous jet blaster. Liable to explode at any moment and leave you stranded in the middle of the lake missing an arm, it offers the most affordable adrenaline rush on the market. Looks aside, this no-frills jet ski gets you from point A to point B and will likely be the only asset left in your name.