BETHEL PARK, Penn. — New information about Matthew Crooks, the 20-year-old registered Republican who made a failed attempt to kill former President Trump, shows his family immigrated to America illegally nearly two centuries ago, outraged conservative pundits confirmed.
“We found that Matthew Crooks descended from Andrew Crookes of Yorkshire, England. The Crookes family was attempting to join an established colony in Nova Scotia when their ship went off course and they ended up off the coast of Massachusetts in 1795 and decided to start their legacy of crime,” said right-wing investigator Gabe Butler. “The entire Crooks family should have never been in our country to begin with. Andrew Crookes is responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of illegals who have been mooching off the backs of hard-working Americans for nearly ten generations. There is only one person to blame here, and that is Joe Biden and his open border policy, if Trump had been in office in 1795 then that boat would have been forced to turn right around.”
Conservative pundits at this week’s RNC were quick to capitalize on Crooks’ immigration status.
“It goes without saying that we need immigration reform, but this should also be retroactive. If you can’t trace your lineage back to my personal hero Christopher Columbus then you need to go back to your own country,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA). “It’s kind of funny, Joe Biden has been awfully quiet ever since we started calling for these mass deportations. What’s the matter Joe? Afraid of what we might find? Today I’m calling on Joe Biden to release his long-form ancestry report to the American people. We deserve to know.”
Dr. Lewis Hammon, a Professor of American History at Stanford, says there is some logic behind this new line of thinking.
“When we were kids we were taught that America was basically empty before European settlers got here. We were told that a few Indigenous tribes welcomed these visitors with open arms, but unfortunately that’s not the truth. These European immigrants exterminated the native community,” said Dr. Hammon. “So when conservatives talk about how illegal immigrants are coming to this country and terrorizing people they are absolutely right. They are just a few hundred years too late for it to be true.”
At press time, reports also indicate that while Crooks attended high school he attended Spanish class for at least two semesters.