ATLANTA — Scientists signaled a breakthrough against poachers after the first boneless rhinoceros was successfully bred in captivity at the Atlanta Zoo, environmentalist sources confirmed.
“With the rhinoceros group of species on the verge of extinction, we had to take drastic measures to save these majestic creatures from the illegal ivory trade. Then it hit us: poachers can’t harvest the rhino’s horn if they don’t have any bones!” said scientist Patrick Smith, while unveiling Puddles, the boneless rhino. “The gene editing that created this inspiring creature is our greatest hope to stop the illegal animal trade. By depriving poachers of the horns or any other valuable bones they might desire, we can ensure that this beloved species can live long-ish, relatively healthy lives in captivity.”
Zookeeper Ashley Sterling explained that while she loved caring for the new breed of boneless rhinoceros, it came with a few extra challenges.
“Move over Moo Deng, the world has got a new animal darling: Puddles. What this inspirational rhino lacks in a skeletal system, he more than makes up for with the charming way he oozes around his enclosure picking up grass in his fleshy mouth folds—at least I think that’s his mouth,” said Sterling, attempting to hide her grimace. “While we love taking care of Puddles, we do have to take extra precautions so he doesn’t escape. Last week he squeezed through the gap underneath a door and he almost fell through a sewer grate.”
While the world celebrated the environmental win, one international ivory merchant was reportedly furious about the effect on his business prospects.
“I’ve got half of Epstein’s flight log waiting for rhino horn, and now I’m dealing with this boneless bag of skin. How’s anyone supposed to get a hard-on from this flaccid piece of crap?” said the ivory trader, who asked to remain anonymous. “Andrew Tate alone goes through a kilo of ivory powder a year hoping that it will make his hair grow back, and I’ve already promised Elon Musk to get him a rhino horn katana handle. Maybe if I can get a hold of a few of these boneless flesh bags I can sell him on custom Puddles leather seats for his Cybertruck.”
As of press time, scientists were now hard at work trying to figure out how to produce fleshless tigers.