WASHINGTON — The leaders of the Democratic National Committee announced they plan to learn absolutely nothing from their embarrassing loss to President-elect Donald Trump, multiple sources confirmed.
“We learned a lot this time around. The most important takeaway from all of this is that we have to stay the course. In 2028 we plan to put forward the most disliked candidate yet. The primary process will probably be truncated, maybe we will skip it altogether. It all depends on what our biggest corporate donors want,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “But we can’t do this without raising money. If you thought our fundraising efforts were annoying before, you haven’t seen anything yet. We also want to congratulate our friends in the Republican party, they played a great game and we can’t wait to work with them more.”
Lisa Fouts, a reluctant member of the Democrat party, is not sure what to do from here.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to be an easy win. Trump is a felon, a rapist, and he’s legitimately losing his mind. But no, the DNC fucked everything up at every level. They just assumed people would vote their way despite doing nothing for years, it makes me want to puke,” said Fouts. “The DNC already sent an email with the subject line ‘Shame On You’ and it said I didn’t send them enough money to get them to win. Then they sent a follow up email that called me a ‘spoiled child’ and then left me a voicemail saying they are going to kick my dog if I even consider looking into a third part candidate.”
Republican National Committee Chair Michael Whatley is excited to see his colleagues at the DNC make the same mistakes over and over.
“For the past few months everyone was talking about how the Trump campaign was floundering and how Harris had all the momentum, but I was never in doubt,” said Whatley. “I saw how the DNC ignored voters, I saw how they talked down to people, and that just made my job easy. I go in and say ‘Democrats think you’re dumb, but Republicans think you’re a genius’ and these dopes eat it up like the slop they feed their pigs. It’s going to be really fun to see them dust off the same exact playbook next time around, I already have two copies of it, I use one to even out the table in my kitchen, and the other I use the pages to pick up my dogs shit in the yard.”
Harrison followed his remarks with an email to registered Democrats hoping to quell criticism of the party’s current trajectory.
“To all those growing skeptical of this party’s strategies and overall agenda, let me just say we hear you loud and clear. Rest assured we will be doing everything short of interpreting that sound into words and responding to those words in any way shape or form.”
At press time, DNC board members announced they will be prepping Hilary Clinton for a historic 2028 run.